Entitlement

Day 11 into my experiment. I won't lie, I haven't been perfect. I've made mistakes, and the plan is definitely going to have to change, but I am learning so much about myself through this.

One of those things that I am learning is that I feel entitled. A lot.

Perhaps this is the wrong thing to type about at 1:30 a.m. in the morning. But here it goes.

When I was growing up, I saw a lot of economic, financial change in my parents. Don't get me wrong, they were never really poor in the world's sense, and therefore, I, by default, was also never really poor. But there were definitely times when they made more money than before. As a result, I experienced many different levels of comfort financially. Some of it I was too young to remember.

Something, however, that I have struggled with, is that yes, at times I do feel entitled to certain things that I didn't really earn.

But really, what is earning?

I think sometimes what people think they earn can be seen as a little inflated. I definitely struggle with this with my photography and my job. I think that I am a pretty decent photographer, and at times, am tempted to raise my prices.

Which is really fine, but not for how long I have been doing it.

Then there are other times that I think I deserve to make more at work because I have taken on so much added responsibility at my job since receiving the position as Marketing Director for the firm. I have needed to learn how to do website programming and management, ad design and copy (which I love, by the way), as well as what I was initially hired to do, manage our advertisements and be the contact person for the law firm for any and all advertisements.

Here is a note of self-disclosure. I have not had a raise in the two years that I have had the position that I hold now. Part of the reason, at least after the first year, is that I didn't feel like I deserved it, so I didn't ask. I wasn't feeling like I was able to adequately do my job, partly due to my lack of experience.

This year, I do feel like I would deserve a raise - but I'm doing something different. I'm not going to ask for it.

In the past year, I have regularly put in 50-70 hours a week at this job. I have bent over backwards to get the law firm really growing again. But the reason I'm not going to ask for a raise is that I already feel that I am being paid, with the knowledge that I am learning, and for other opportunities afforded to me.

For example, I moved to Utah about four months ago, and I was still able to keep my job. My bosses were patient with me as I struggled to adjust to telecommuting. That is a perk, and a payment in and of itself.

Learning to use website design and HTML, as well as learning ad design will be beneficial to me for years to come. Learning how to design ad copy has been incredibly useful in my career as a photographer. Another way that it pays.

The knowledge that I am part of a chain reaction, that helps bring well-deserving people to America, is also payment enough for me. Job security is payment enough for me.

Perhaps what I am trying to say is not how great I am, but how easy it is to feel entitled for things that we don't deserve. I think the culture that we live in, we constantly are "I need I need I need", instead of recognizing that these so called needs are really wants, and wants must be tempered to live a truly fulfilling life. Our needs cannot be filled by consumerism and money, and neither can our wants, really. Our wants, when they are true, are focused at wanting others to succeed, and wanting to help others who are in need. Our wants are about knowing how the universe was formed and what makes people tick, when they are true.

It is so easy to feel entitled in today's era. It is unbelievably easy. But we MUST remember what we do have, how much we do have, and not only "make do" with what we have, but to be abundantly happy with it. Additionally, we must give what we have to others, no matter how small. This is the only way that we can get rid of our entitlement that permeates my generation, and myself, so profoundly. Being humble and giving are the ways that my life can become more meaningful. I have a long way to go, but I feel that the realization of my entitlement is a step closer to being there.

Free Redbox Movie? Yes, Please!

It is officially day 5 of my experiment. Awesome!! Only 360 more to go!

I have to say that I actually already feel my waist line getting smaller. I think that not eating out, with its high calorie content and sodium has made the difference, but only time will tell.

Right now, the only thing that is really painful is not eating out. Preparing meals takes more time and effort, but I also feel better during the day.

Last night, Chris and I made some chicken quesadillas. They were pretty good! I have really enjoyed the time that we get to cook together. We work pretty well in the kitchen as a team!

After we made dinner, we decided to rent a movie from Redbox and make funfetti cake! It's my favorite, and I think Chris is quite fond of it too. We got our Redbox movie for $0.00. How, you ask? By using one of their promo codes, of course! Unfortunately, we got "Remember Me" because I wanted to see it because I kind of love Edward. And I thought it would be a chick flick. Ummn, it's not. It was dissappointing, but we just kind of laughed it off. Definitely do not recommend watching it unless you want to be depressed.

All in all, we had a great date night though for just around $2.50 - the cost of this delicious treat!

The First Three Days

I would love to say that the first three days of this year long experiment have been a piece of cake. I would also love to stay honest, so I won't lie. They have been very difficult.

I am used to living a life of convenience. In the past I have figured, it I make the money, then why not? Well, because it's not making me a better person, that's why.

Yesterday, I went grocery shopping - like, real grocery shopping - for the first time in two years. I was lucky to have Chris at my side, always supportive, helping me navigate my way through the store. Now, I am not proud to admit that it was somewhat of a challenge for me. It was a very humbling experience. It took us about an hour to get out. Additionally, since I had essentially no cooking supplies or anything else, I had to swallow up costs and purchase some things that I had planned for that week with my meals.

I thought I was doing it right. I had looked on websites regarding what was on sale for the week. I had then planned my meals accordingly (which is hard for someone who hasn't spent a lot of time in a kitchen other than to eat), and then I made my grocery list. I tried very hard not to be wasteful.

My grocery costs came to just over $75 in food and spices alone. Hardly a success.

I broke down crying to Chris afterwards. Luckily, he is wise and understanding. He let me cry it all out, and then he reminded me that I needn't beat myself up so hard. This was my first week at this, and he assured me that eventually I would get the hang of it and sales. I am really lucky to have that boy in my life.

So even though I spent $75 my first week on food, which is way more than what I normally spend for fast food, I know that I am learning and that it will be worth it. I am still really excited for all the lessons that I am learning.

Not eating out has been hard, but I have been happy that Chris has wanted to learn to cook as much as I do. On Friday night, we made Pasta Primavera. It was a B+. Last night, we made Three Pepper Pasta (pasta is really cheap, by the way), which we gave an A - It would have been an A+ had we put chicken in it! Sometimes I don't really want to cook, but then I remind myself that I am being lazy and I get to it. Once I start doing it, it's actually kind of fun! Who knew... cooking is fun?